Oct 20, 2014

Battle for the 80s, Part the Final: The Finaling

Battle for the 80s
Part the Final – The Finaling

Over the preceding weeks, I made the decision to determine once and for all the top franchise of the 1980s, because no blogger has possibly ever done this before. Oh well, nobody ever has accused me of originality, or intelligence, but at least I am well versed in the useless knowledge. Self-trolling aside, the candidates began with He-Man, The Smurfs, Voltron, Thundercats, Ducktales, and GI Joe, but they all fell like the Japanese fleeing from the twin Godzillas that are Transformers and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Who will win, I don't know. As long as its not Robotech, its all fine by me. (Cranky Editor Man: I thought Robotech was my favorite 80s cartoon. Then I watched Macross, the anime it was based on. I can't watch Robotech anymore.)


Primary Heroic Character

Optimus Prime rocks your mom's face off.

Winner: Transformers

Primary Villain

As of the time of writing this, the NFL season is about to begin, and the star wide receiver for the Detroit Lions, Calvin Johnson, his nickname is Megatron. That's about the coolest sports nickname I've ever heard, so I'm going to change my mind from last week and pick Megatron over the guy named after a cheese slicing utensil.

Winner: Transformers

Primary Female Hero

Transformers did have Elita-1 and the other female Transformers from the classic season 2 episode, and Arcee from the misbegotten later seasons, but the real winner here is teenage boys due to April's yellow jumpsuit.

Winner: TMNT

Supporting Heroic Cast

Would you rather hang out with a mutant rat, or Jazz? I thought so.

Winner: Transformers

Supporting Villainous Cast

Chris Latta was the actor behind the classic voices of Cobra Commander and Starscream. Every role he had in a 80s cartoon, he basically used that same voice, making me wonder if that was just his regular voice. Which then made me wonder what it would be like to have a conversation with him, which would be pretty cool, mostly because he died and that would mean you were sailing the good ship impossible. Also, I think he was a stand-up comedian, and I can't even process that in my mind right now.

Winner: Transformers

Animated Series

The Transformers episode War Dawn may be the greatest single cartoon installment of the '80s.

Winner: Transformers

Theme Song

I'll always take the season 3 remix of Transformers, but I would be alone.

Winner: TMNT

Comic Book Series

In the never-ending debate between the value of corporate comics versus independent comics, I pick Buster Witwicky.

Winner: Transformers


I've said it before, and it will never stop being true, the Transformers toys were the best our species can hope to accomplish.

Winner: Transformers

Best Single Issue Comic

Optimus Prime and Megatron fight to the death in a virtual reality video game, in which Optimus wins, but he declares himself the loser because he sacrificed the life of an innocent, even though the innocent in question was not a real being, but a simulated video game being. Regardless, Optimus allowed himself to be destroyed in real life due to the arrangement made over the winner of the game. But the Turtles also went to space and fought alien space rhinos. Hmm . . .

Winner: Transformers

Best Cartoon Reboot

The '80s Ninja Turtles cartoon is by far the worst thing ever made with the Turtles. It has only gotten better.

Winner: TMNT

Most Enduring Legacy

The biggest movie of summer 2014, Guardians of the Galaxy, had a Ninja Turtles joke in it.

Winner: TMNT

Best Comic Book Reboot

A lot of people quite enjoy the currently running TMNT series from IDW. Good enough for me.

Winner: TMNT

Best Live-Action Movie

The Turtles win this even if you're just putting the Michael Bay versions against each other.

Winner: TMNT

Best Behind the Scenes Origin

Creating your own parody comic using elements of Frank Miller and the X-Men and turning it into a worldwide sensation is one of the greatest success stories period, not just in comics.

Winner: TMNT

Best In-Story Origin

I love that in the original comic, the mutagen that creates the turtles is the same mutagen that blinded Daredevil, all in the same incident.

Winner: TMNT

Franchise My Wife Likes the Most

Unquestionably . . .

Kimberly Smith, Back Issue Ben's boss and the
illustrious writer of
Fallen Ash, drawn by Benj Bartolome
and colored by Sam Gungon
, which you really should be reading.
Here's a link. Here's another.
Winner: TMNT

Who Would Win in a Fight


Winner: Transformers

Most Significant Contribution from Jim Shooter

Winner: Transformers

Best Use of Detached Brain

Optimus Prime comes close thanks to the comic, but Krang.

Winner: TMNT

Best Halloween Costume

And by best, I mean easiest to dress a 6 year old in.

Parker Smith, Back Issue Ben's oldest son
Winner: TMNT

Best Cosplay Costume

Have you ever seen the Transformers costumes that actually transform?

Winner: Transformers

Best Underlying Ecological Message

Transformers is ultimately about the destructiveness that comes from the struggle for fossil fuels, while Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a warning about properly disposing of toxic waste.

Winner: Transformers

Best Use of Shell-Related Puns

Winner: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Best Drawing by Jack "The King" Kirby

There's also this. -Cranky Editor Man

Winner: TMNT

Best Circumventing of Extreme Cartoon Violence

Robot Foot soldiers.

Winner: TMNT

Best Inspiration for Tattoos

DJ Starscream (wins for that name alone) has Autobot and Decepticon tattoos on the back of his hands.

Winner: Transformers

Best Unintentionally Lewd Title

Winner: Transformers

Franchise My Wife Wants to Win

Because she gets two votes

Winner: TMNT

Transformers: 14
TMNT: 15

There you have it, a champion is crowned. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles proved to be the most durable and overall enjoyable creation of the 1980s. Having said all that, I'm immediately disqualifying them since most of their success came after the decade. Enjoy your disqualification victory, Transformers lovers.
The Smith Family: Kimberly, Palmer, Parker, and Back Issue Ben

Next time, something equally pointless.


Unknown said...

I veto the TMNT disqualification.

Unknown said...

Hey wait! Best toys???
The transformers were hard to transform and broke easy.
Nothing beats a good turtle van or turtle blimp. NOTHING!

Unknown said...

Plus if the turtles can take down an army of Krang, foot soldiers, rock soldiers, the technodrome, and the Triceratons then they can handle some ancient robots. The turtles would win in a fight.

sonsoftaurus said...

Regardless of the particular show, the real winner for influence on 80s US pop culture is obviously Japan. Especially ninjas. Heck, even the Transformers had a ninja robot.

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