Jan 9, 2017

Top 10 Lines from Transformers: The Animated Movie

Top 10 Lines from Transformers: The Animated Movie
Ben Smith


At this point, it is unlikely that I will ever be famous. I have an outside shot at infamous, should my meds ever wear off. No, I haven’t accomplished any of the grandiose dreams of cultural domination that so many of us aspire to in our underdeveloped adolescent minds, before the reality and weight of the world crushes our dreams like an abandoned grape upon the kitchen floor. However, I have accomplished one thing of value, and that is I have memorized to nearly 100 percent accuracy, every bit of dialogue in the cult classic ‘80s film, Transformers the Animated Movie. (My favorite line to mimic word for word as the movie plays, is when Perceptor says “A cursory evaluation of Decepticon capability indicates a distinct tactical deficiency.” It’s the nerd movie trivia show-off equivalent of Scottie Pippen dunking over Patrick Ewing.)

Whatever your feelings of a 30-year-old animated movie for children might be, it cannot be denied that it has some of the greatest quotes of any movie ever created (I refuse to believe I’m biased because I’ve loved this movie since I was 8 years old). So many in fact, that it was difficult to limit it to just 10. I sought some feedback from the rest of the Comics Cube, but they’re all incompetent, and in many cases mentally deficient. Therefore, once again, I must press on alone.

Here you go, in no specific order, the 10 best quotes from Transformers the movie.

Special Mention: “You’re an idiot Starscream.”

This one is just a personal favorite, and I fully recognize that I’m probably the only one that even registers it.

PROCEED, ON YOUR WAY TO OBLIVION



Up first is a quote that is probably up for debate, as you could really pick any line from the scene between Unicron and Megatron and still be correct. Frank Welker’s iconic blustery Megatron against Orson Welles’ (after much work was done post recording) subdued but supremely confident Unicron is the most captivating exchange in the entire movie. I can’t tell you how many friends from all walks of life that I know, that can recite the entire back and forth from beginning to end from memory. That’s powerful writing.

I GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO TONIGHT THAN DIE



Despite Springer being highly overrated, I cannot argue that this is probably the favorite line for most fans. In stark contrast to…

I CAN’T DEAL WITH THAT NOW



Ultra Magnus may have been a complete failure as Autobot leader, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t the coolest new Autobot introduced in the movie. Nobody likes Springer. He’s all flash and no substance. Ultra Magnus had the venerable Robert Stack voicing his iconic lines of failure, so put that in your pipe and smoke it. Look, I’d like to see you take command of the Autobots with enemies on all sides and a planet-eating unicorn threatening the galaxy. How good would you do?! That’s right, screw you.

FIRST WE CRACK THE SHELL, THEN WE CRACK THE NUTS INSIDE



Rumble was all about that thug life, and despite being one of the smallest Decepticons, always thought he was going to win the fight. He was wrong, but I like his confidence.

HEY PERCEPTOR, WHAT’S SHAKING, OTHER THAN THIS FORTRESS

I’m just leaving this in to annoy Duy. (Ugh. - Duy)

ONE SHALL STAND, ONE SHALL FALL



The final fight between Optimus Prime and Megatron was absolutely everything you could have ever wanted as a youngster in 1986. I took a portable cassette player/recorder (back in olden times we had something called cassette tapes) and recorded the audio of the fight by holding the recorder up to the television speaker, so I could listen to it in bed before sleep. It was the ultimate in adolescent violence and braggadocio.

HEY, NOBODY CALLS SOUNDWAVE UNCRASSAMATIC

Again, Rumble was a head cracker, and he might now have understood some of the big words being thrown around, but that wasn’t going to stop him from making sure Soundwave got his proper respect. Even though it was technically true, Soundwave was boring.

At this point, I’d like to take a moment to explain why “bah weep gragnah weep nini bong” will not be making the list. It’s dumb.



OH HOW IT PAINS ME TO DO THIS.
WAIT, I STILL FUNCTION!
WANNA BET?

Okay, that’s cheating. If you’re a stickler for rules, then just take the first line. Regardless, Starscream finally had Megatron at his mercy, and disposed of him as quickly as he could. Unfortunately, it would not last for him, as the next quote will highlight.

CORONATION, STARSCREAM? THIS IS BAD COMEDY



Even though Starscream was my favorite Decepticon and the greatest Transformer ever created, Galvatron was pretty damn cool looking to 8 year old Back Issue Ben, and he dispatched the ever deceitful and traitorous Starscream with ruthless efficiency. Plus, all hail the mighty Leonard Nimoy. Rest in peace.

SUCH HEROIC NONSENSE

I really wish I could remember the first time I watched this movie, and what I thought as I watched previously invincible Autobots being blasted to shreds by the Decepticons. Ironhide valiantly tries to fight to his last remaining circuits, but receives a blast to the face from Megatron’s cannon at point blank range. I grew up reading mangled Transformers dying all the time in the comics, so I’m pretty sure I was thrilled by it all. The lesson as always, I was a morbid kid.



(I recognize the naughty thrill that “Aw shit, what are we going to do now?” had on a generation of young Transformers fans, but outside of that context it’s not a great line.)

SEEING AS HOW THEY WOULD HAVE DETONATED FOUR-QUARTERS, I THINK IT WAS A GOOD CHOICE

Nobody likes Springer. Thinks he’s so smart and clever and charismatic.

That does it. No mere list of 10 is ever going to encompass all of the great words delivered by legendary voice actors at the top of their game. Here are just a few that didn’t make the cut:

  • Megatron must be stopped... no matter the cost.
  • We can't hold out forever, Kup, but we *can* give them one *humongous* repair bill.
  • It's not hard to knock 'em down, it's getting them to stay down that's the trick!
  • Spare me this mockery of justice.
  • How do you feel, mighty Megatron?
  • This is Jazz. A ginormous weird lookin' planet just showed up in the suburbs of Cybertron.
  • I'll rip open Ultra Magnus, and every other Autobot, until the Matrix has been destroyed!

If you think I’ve egregiously excluded any quote that demands to be included, feel free to let me know in the comments. Until that day, till all are one.

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