Battle for the 80s
Part the Final – The Finaling
Over the preceding weeks, I made the decision to determine once and for all the top franchise of the 1980s, because no blogger has possibly ever done this before. Oh well, nobody ever has accused me of originality, or intelligence, but at least I am well versed in the useless knowledge. Self-trolling aside, the candidates began with He-Man, The Smurfs, Voltron, Thundercats, Ducktales, and GI Joe, but they all fell like the Japanese fleeing from the twin Godzillas that are Transformers and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Who will win, I don't know. As long as its not Robotech, its all fine by me. (Cranky Editor Man: I thought Robotech was my favorite 80s cartoon. Then I watched Macross, the anime it was based on. I can't watch Robotech anymore.)
ROUND THE FINAL
Optimus Prime rocks your mom's face off.
As of the time of writing this, the NFL season is about to begin, and the star wide receiver for the Detroit Lions, Calvin Johnson, his nickname is Megatron. That's about the coolest sports nickname I've ever heard, so I'm going to change my mind from last week and pick Megatron over the guy named after a cheese slicing utensil.
Primary Female Hero
Transformers did have Elita-1 and the other female Transformers from the classic season 2 episode, and Arcee from the misbegotten later seasons, but the real winner here is teenage boys due to April's yellow jumpsuit.
Supporting Heroic Cast
Would you rather hang out with a mutant rat, or Jazz? I thought so.
Supporting Villainous Cast
Chris Latta was the actor behind the classic voices of Cobra Commander and Starscream. Every role he had in a 80s cartoon, he basically used that same voice, making me wonder if that was just his regular voice. Which then made me wonder what it would be like to have a conversation with him, which would be pretty cool, mostly because he died and that would mean you were sailing the good ship impossible. Also, I think he was a stand-up comedian, and I can't even process that in my mind right now.
The Transformers episode War Dawn may be the greatest single cartoon installment of the '80s.
I'll always take the season 3 remix of Transformers, but I would be alone.
Comic Book Series
In the never-ending debate between the value of corporate comics versus independent comics, I pick Buster Witwicky.
I've said it before, and it will never stop being true, the Transformers toys were the best our species can hope to accomplish.
Best Single Issue Comic
Optimus Prime and Megatron fight to the death in a virtual reality video game, in which Optimus wins, but he declares himself the loser because he sacrificed the life of an innocent, even though the innocent in question was not a real being, but a simulated video game being. Regardless, Optimus allowed himself to be destroyed in real life due to the arrangement made over the winner of the game. But the Turtles also went to space and fought alien space rhinos. Hmm . . .
Best Cartoon Reboot
The '80s Ninja Turtles cartoon is by far the worst thing ever made with the Turtles. It has only gotten better.
Most Enduring Legacy
The biggest movie of summer 2014, Guardians of the Galaxy, had a Ninja Turtles joke in it.
Best Comic Book Reboot
A lot of people quite enjoy the currently running TMNT series from IDW. Good enough for me.
Best Live-Action Movie
The Turtles win this even if you're just putting the Michael Bay versions against each other.
Best Behind the Scenes Origin
Creating your own parody comic using elements of Frank Miller and the X-Men and turning it into a worldwide sensation is one of the greatest success stories period, not just in comics.
Best In-Story Origin
I love that in the original comic, the mutagen that creates the turtles is the same mutagen that blinded Daredevil, all in the same incident.
Franchise My Wife Likes the Most
Unquestionably . . .
|Kimberly Smith, Back Issue Ben's boss and the|
illustrious writer of Fallen Ash, drawn by Benj Bartolome
and colored by Sam Gungon, which you really should be reading.
Here's a link. Here's another.
Who Would Win in a Fight
Most Significant Contribution from Jim Shooter
Best Use of Detached Brain
Optimus Prime comes close thanks to the comic, but Krang.
Best Halloween Costume
And by best, I mean easiest to dress a 6 year old in.
|Parker Smith, Back Issue Ben's oldest son|
Best Cosplay Costume
Have you ever seen the Transformers costumes that actually transform?
Best Underlying Ecological Message
Transformers is ultimately about the destructiveness that comes from the struggle for fossil fuels, while Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a warning about properly disposing of toxic waste.
Best Use of Shell-Related Puns
Winner: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Best Drawing by Jack "The King" Kirby
|There's also this. -Cranky Editor Man|
Best Circumventing of Extreme Cartoon Violence
Robot Foot soldiers.
Best Inspiration for Tattoos
DJ Starscream (wins for that name alone) has Autobot and Decepticon tattoos on the back of his hands.
Best Unintentionally Lewd Title
Franchise My Wife Wants to Win
Because she gets two votes
There you have it, a champion is crowned. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles proved to be the most durable and overall enjoyable creation of the 1980s. Having said all that, I'm immediately disqualifying them since most of their success came after the decade. Enjoy your disqualification victory, Transformers lovers.
|The Smith Family: Kimberly, Palmer, Parker, and Back Issue Ben|
Next time, something equally pointless.