Jul 14, 2014

The Superhero Hall of Fame: Weaponry

Addendum: Weaponry
Ben Smith

With the all-important question of who is the ultimate inductee to the inaugural fictional superhero hall of fame finally answered, it’s time to milk this idea for all its worth, like a mid-‘90s Marvel storyline. Also, because I have no new ideas.

With that in mind, I’m going to discuss the greatest weapons from superhero comic books, based much less on science and math, and more on which ones I can think of while I’m typing this. So, just keep in mind, this is not a list of the most powerful weapons in superhero comics, but the overall best ones. Style over substance. Make sense? Oh well, there’s only so much I can do.

Last Place: Starman’s Cosmic Rod

Any weapon that sounds more like a euphemism for Starman’s genitals than it does some powerful object for destruction, automatically loses. Sorry, Duy.

Second to Last Place: Quantum Bands

Quasar, ‘nuff said.

20. Green Arrow’s Bow and Arrows

Gets the edge over Hawkeye’s arrows based purely on the boxing glove arrow.

19. Sword of Omens

Lion-O’s sword gets bigger when he gets excited and makes his vision a lot better, which is the opposite of my mom saying I’ll go blind if I play too much with my sword…of Omens. It also summons Cheetara when he says "Thunder, Thunder, Thunder...ThunderCats – HO!” (Also, it holds the Eye of Thundera and is the source of the Thundercats power and blah, blah, blah dick jokes.)

18. He-Man’s Power Sword

Sort of like Lion-O’s sword, except instead of being Lion-O you get to be a super-strong space Conan. Also, it turns your giant green space tiger into a giant green space tiger wearing battle armor. Plus, Teela.

17. Odinsword

Keeping the sword thing going, this is the best of all swords, because it’s the biggest. It’s also capable of ending the universe if unsheathed, which is as good an excuse for a sex joke as I’ve ever heard. Insert your own here.

16. Paste-Gun

The seminal weapon of the immortal Paste Pot Pete, who went around spraying people with his viscous white fluid. How this guy hasn’t anchored a major motion picture yet, I cannot understand.

15. Cosmic Control Rod

Like Starman’s Cosmic Rod, it contains the word rod, which is never not funny. Unlike Starman, this is a cool weapon for a cool character, Annihilus, ruler of the Negative Zone. Negative points for making me think of insect genitalia.

14. The Destroyer

An indestructible suit of pure chaos, powered by the soul of a willing, or unwilling, sentient being. That’s the main reason Duy chose it as his user name for his deviant lifestyle online profile.

13. Mandarin’s Rings

Ten rings of power used by a man named after an orange, or a language, or something. Either way it’s racist and you’re in the wrong for not enjoying Iron Man 3 more. Watch it again without your nerd rage and it’s pretty enjoyable.

12. Ultimate Nullifier

Anything that can make Galactus run away and hide, while making the Silver Surfer more miserable as a result, is a weapon worth making a ridiculous list. Bonus points for a name that could double as a sex toy.

11. The Good Samaritan

Hellboy’s big honking gun is filled with helpful stuff like sanctified wood and metal, and is used to kill everything from vampires to werewolves. In general, bigger is better.

10. Eye of Agamotto

Among other things, it gives Doctor Strange the power to see a person’s deepest and darkest thoughts, which is totally a thing a guy dressed in pajamas and a cape with a mustache like that would want to see on a regular basis. There’s a reason Strange is Duy’s personal role model.

9. Emerald Eye of Ekron

Actually the severed right eye of a Green Lantern power construct called Ekron, and used by the Emerald Empress of the Fatal Five in the far future of the DC universe. Emerald Empress has green hair, is hot, and runs around with a floating green eyeball, how did she not make the hall of fame?

8. The Cosmic Cube

Known as the Tesseract to all the movie fans, the Cosmic Cube of the comic books basically grants the wielder the ability to turn any wish into reality. It’s the equivalent of a small child telling the genie of the lamp that for his/her first wish, (s)he wants infinite wishes, except usually the Red Skull is around, which isn’t good. In summary, Cosmic Cube is a much cooler name than tesseract. Also, to clarify, I’m saying keep your children away from the Red Skull. Parenting tips are just one of the benefits of reading Back Issue Ben.

7. The Infinity Gauntlet

For fans of the Marvel movies wondering what all this talk of stones has been lately, they’re referring to the infinity gems, which when combined into gauntlet form, gave Thanos God-like power (not Asgardian God type power, Jesus type) including omnipotence, omniscience, omnipresence, and probably a few more omni words. The gems that comprise the gauntlet are Power, Mind, Space, Soul, Time, and another one I can never remember (Reality).

6. Spider-Man’s Web Shooters

Extremely versatile devices capable of offense, defense, containment, or shooting hot sticky fluid in Doc Ock’s eyes or J Jonah Jameson’s mouth.

5. Lasso of Truth

Humbly speaking for all men, the single most terrifying weapon any woman could wield.

4. Batman’s Utility Belt/Batarangs

Batman’s utility belt has the greatest power of all, ultimate plot macguffin capabilities. Anything Batman might need to get out of any given situation is contained within this belt, because Batman equals preparation, and preparation rhymes with masturbation, which is something most Batman fans are very familiar with. (As opposed to Spider-Man fans, who are totally beating the ladies/dudes off with a stick. Wow, I totally didn’t type that euphemism intentionally, but I’m leaving it in.) Batman’s Batarang’s are the most common thing he pulls out of his fanny pack of justice, and they’re pretty cool, I have to admit. Though I don’t know how throwing a pointy-ended bat boomerang made of steel is supposed to be less lethal than using a gun, but whatever.

3. Captain America’s Shield

Captain America’s shield is probably the last weapon anyone else would grab before heading out onto a battlefield, but for him it’s absolutely devastating, whether it be on the field of battle in WWII Europe, or facing down Thanos in the middle of space. Indestructible (except when it isn’t) with amazing implausible ricochet capabilities, it might not be the most obvious offensive weapon, but in the hands of Steven Rogers it’s one of the greatest comic book weapons ever created. It’s also very hard to come up with inappropriate sexual jokes about, which is another feather in its vibranium cap.

2. Green Lantern’s Power Ring

The power ring is kinda like the top weapon on this list, except it turns you into Green Lantern, which is… not as good. It gives you all sorts of indeterminate powers like constructs and space bubbles, because…willpower, and it does other things like flight, space bubbles, and space flight bubbles. Plus, boxing gloves made of determination. On the bad side, it automatically makes you a target for purple space hitlers, and giant spiders. On the super plus side, Arisia is totally into Earthlings.

1. Mjolnir

All the other weapons were all fine and dandy, but this is the only one that gives you the powers of Thor. That’s better than Lion-O’s telescope sword.

There you have it, the definitive inaugural inductees to the weapons room of the superhero hall of fame. I actually started the list believing that DC had far more weapons in their arsenal, but like in most areas, Marvel outclasses them in terms of quantity and quality.

Unless you want to add Penguin’s umbrellas, but you’d be the only one that does.

Next time, maybe something else.

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