Dec 23, 2007

The best Batman movie ever.

I wrote this fairly lengthy email to a friend of mine in response to the new Dark Knight trailer. Now most of you know I don't like Batman Begins, not because it's a bad movie, but because it's a bad Batman movie. I'm a purist that way.

Anyway, I thought what I wrote was fairly funny, and fun to share with the rest of you.

...let me just say that Heath Ledger might play a good villain in that movie he's in, but the villain he's playing is not the Joker, just like the ninja Christian Bale is playing is not Batman. Unless you mean Frank Miller Joker and Batman, in which case Batman is a sadistic torturer and the Joker is this psychopath who's calm, collected, and in love with Batman in this sick, twisted way.


The best Batman live action movie ever is the Adam West one. That one's entertaining from beginning to end and never bores. And the best Joker ever was Frank Gorshin, who played the Riddler, but he was a better Joker than everyone but Mark Hammill's voice. Ironically, the other "Best Joker Ever" was Jim Carrey, who also played the Riddler. While Nicholson's version was fun, it was really more just Nicholson being insane rather than Nicholson playing the Joker - Jim Carrey got him right though. Still nowhere near Frank Gorshin, though. RIP Frank, we miss you:



Anyway, Batman and Robin get called out to sea on an emergency. They take the Batcopter, which is this regular helicopter with a Bat on the window, and then fly out to the middle of the sea, where this giant rubber shark attacks Batman as he's climbing down the Bat-ladder, which is just a rope ladder. The giant rubber shark which is not meant to be rubber bites Batman's leg, and Batman yells to Robin to get the Bat-shark-repellent. Robin pulls it out of a case of all kinds of repellents, including mongoose repellents, whale repellents, yada yada yada. Now keep in mind - they're in a fucking helicopter. Why the fuck would they be carrying shark repellent? So Robin climbs down the rope ladder ever so slowly, and, for drama's sake, decides to HANG UPSIDE DOWN the lowest rung he can, where giving the Bat Shark repellent to Bruce is JUUUUUST far enough that it's still dramatic. Bruce then uses the repellent on the giant rubber shark, which then explodes. Let me say that again - the giant rubber shark. explodes.


SO, Bruce and Dick go to Commissioner Gordon's office, where Commissioner Gordon informs him that there are four criminals loose from jail: The Joker, the Riddler, the Penguin, and the Catwoman, who was for some reason not played by Julie Newmar, but Lee Meriwether. Now they're trying to figure out who set Batman up for the exploding shark. Commissioner Gordon, idiot savant that he is, says, "Which one.... which ones?"

Batman, since he's Batman and he knows everything, does a pun and says, "Pretty FISHY what happened to me on that ladder."

Commissioner Gordon jumps to conclusions, which happens to be the right one, and says, "You mean where there's a fish, there might be a Penguin!"

Robin then chimes in with one of the most illogical leaps I've ever seen in ANY movie, comic book or otherwise, with, "But it happened at sea! Sea? C for Catwoman!"


Batman then jumps to another marvelous piece of deductive reasoning, and says, "That shark... was PULLING MY LEG!"


Gordon, being Gordon, says, "The Joker!" as if none of us got it.

This is where Chief O'Hara, most useless police officer in all of TV history and the single character introduced in a comic-related franchise that has never made it to an actual comic book and that I really really really want to see introduced in an actual comic book, comes in with the line of the night, and says, "It all adds up to one sinister riddle. r. Riddle. r. THE RIDDLER!"

Now are you kidding me?? That shit is genius! Best Batman movie ever. Only Batman movie that could keep me entertained over and over and over again. There's this one scene where Bruce practically COMES HIS PANTS, and if I could make my own Batman movie, it'd be a remake of Adam West's tv series, except I'll pay the obligatory tribute to Frank Miller, and have Adam West call himself the Goddamn Batman. Can you fucking imagine that?? Imagine tubby guy who's supposed to be Adam West in this cloth suit and cowl that shows off his belly, dancing the Batusi, saying, "Are you retarded? Are you dense? Who the fuck do you think I am? I'm the goddamn Batman!"



Or better yet, the G-rated version:



Anyway, I might see that stupid movie anyway if someone drags me to it (which the kid most likely will, and he'd probably make me choose between that and Iron Man, and everyone knows I hate Iron Man almost as much as I hate Frank Miller), and just pretend I'm watching a ninja fight a dude with horrible make-up. Good lord, these guys can't do make-up right. First they have the Scarecrow looking much scarier without the mask, then they do the single most uncreative Ra's Al Ghul (And it's RAYSH, not RAAAAZZZ) ever, and now they have the single worst Joker I've seen in history, with the possible exception of Cesar Romero, and that's only because you could see his mustache through the make up. I want the Joker whom, when I ask my nephew who the single most dangerous villain in the DC universe is, and who he actually worries for the heroes when he walks into the room is, that's his answer.

Will Heath Ledger do the impossible and surprise me? It's highly unlikely, but it's possible.

Like my man says, it's all about how you shuffle the deck.


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